So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
