I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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