It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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