Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
