I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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