i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize