its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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