I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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