dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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