i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
