just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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