don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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