Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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