look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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