Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You made out with two different species that night
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
