Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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