dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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