I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
