i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
my shit smells like andre
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
