is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
