It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize