I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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