Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
