I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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