i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
