her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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