She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
