I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
