PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
