I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
