New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
