Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
