I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
