Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
