You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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