my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
