Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
