I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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