We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
