Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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