Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize