i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
