yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
These tits shall not be calmed
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize