Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
