I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
