i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
