I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
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