Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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