my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
we're chasing vodka with high fives
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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