you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
