I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize