fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
