I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
