Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
