i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
being pregnant is like rehab
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Randomize
