i don't plan on having that self control this summer
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
