I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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