apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
